Growing Up Closeted: The Emotional Cost of Staying Safe
Written by Emma Costa, LMFT-A
For many LGBTQ+ people, growing up means learning how to hide. Maybe you sensed early on that your family or community would not accept your identity. Perhaps you heard hurtful comments about queer or trans people and decided it was safer to stay silent. In those moments, guarding yourself was not a choice. It was protection. Keeping your true feelings private may have helped you avoid rejection or harm. But what once kept you safe can later create distance between you and the life you want to live.
When you grow up closeted, it often becomes second nature to scan every environment for risk. You might carefully choose your words, avoid sharing details about relationships, or keep parts of your life separate from one another. Even after coming out, these habits can linger. You may still hesitate to trust new friends or partners, fearing that openness will bring judgment or betrayal. Relationships can feel stressful because vulnerability triggers the same survival instincts that once protected you.
The emotional cost of staying guarded can be heavy. Constant vigilance keeps the nervous system on high alert, which can lead to anxiety, exhaustion, or a sense of numbness. It can feel lonely even when you are surrounded by supportive people. Joy and intimacy may be hard to fully experience because a part of you remains braced for danger. What began as a way to stay safe can turn into an invisible barrier that limits connection and self expression.
Therapy offers a place to unpack these patterns with care. In LGBTQ+ affirming therapy, you can explore the ways your past shaped your need for protection and begin to build trust at your own pace. Therapy does not force you to drop your guard or share before you are ready. Instead, it provides a steady space to notice when old fears are no longer serving you and to practice small steps toward openness.
Healing from a closeted upbringing is not about erasing your history. It is about creating a present where you can feel safe being yourself. With support, you can learn to set boundaries that protect your wellbeing while still allowing love and connection. Over time, the walls that once kept you safe can soften, making room for relationships where you are seen and celebrated for who you truly are.
Growing up closeted may have been necessary in the past, but it does not have to define your future. Release the weight of constant protection and experience the freedom of living more openly in LGBT+ Affirming Therapy.
